It’s taken me several days to type this and finally hit ‘publish.’ I keep hoping this is all a horrible nightmare to teach me to never take loved ones for granted.
On Wednesday May 16th in the afternoon I took my sweet Daphnie into the vet for an update on her vaccinations and to try and get some answers to some odd behavior she had been exhibiting within the last few days. I knew she was starting to age, we thought maybe she had developed some arthritis and needed a deep teeth cleaning but assumed we still had another 5-6 years. She never any major health concerns and so I had no idea when I took her in that I would be admitting her and fighting for her life.
I can still remember the hot tears forming in my eyes as I tried to comprehend what the vet was telling me… “extremely lethargic… anemic… low platelets… autoimmune disease… cancer… prognosis not looking good…let’s try to get her through the next 24 hours….”.
I naively asked if I should reschedule her grooming appointment (that was set for the next morning) and the assistant looking at me with a look of disbelief and told me I needed to cancel her appointment completely. In that moment things started to sink in that Daphnie’s condition was really bad.
I was ready to do all that we could to fight for her life – I wasn’t prepared to say goodbye. The vet told me to take some time and say my goodbyes, and then I handed over my first baby not knowing what the next 12-24 hours would bring.
Unfortunately, her little 5lb body didn’t respond to the aggressive treatments Wednesday night and her whole condition worsened rapidly. She deteriorated so so quickly. I’m still in shock and I don’t understand.
The vet allowed me to pick her up Thursday so she could spend her final hours in my arms at home. I just held her in our favorite blanket and sobbed. I was able to get her to drink a fair amount of water and eat some of Roman’s leftover macaroni and cheese. Even in that moment – as I held her and watched her eat – I thought that maybe, by some miracle her condition would improve with the food and that somehow the vet was wrong. She used all of the energy she had to lift her head and eat.
She passed away a couple of hours later on Thursday afternoon in my arms.
I think that losing Daphnie is possibly greatest loss I’ve ever experienced. It all happened so fast. One day she was fine and the next she wasn’t. When I first saw Daphnie, she came right to me out of all of the puppies in the litter. It was love at first sight and I’ve never been more grateful to have responded to an in the newspaper’s classifieds. She came into my life while I was still grieving my grandmother’s passing (also a great loss) and filled in the holes that had been missing. She took on the role of best friend like she was born for it – always there through thick and thin. She truly had the sweetest spirit and her presence was filled with so much unconditional love. Her absence makes our house feel so hollow and painstakingly quiet.
Thursday night, I couldn’t sleep and I reminisced on some of my favorite Daphnie memories. Like the time I snuck her into a hotel in my purse. She didn’t even make a peep and stayed by my side the whole weekend. Or how when I nursed both of my baby boys, she would nuzzle herself into a little spot and help prop them up. She always let me hold her like a baby (in fact I am pretty sure she liked that best), and also would rest her head on my shoulders on the couch. I kept thinking about how she was rarely naughty – and she really wasn’t… but she did love to jump on the table and look for dinner scraps if there were any. I miss the sound of her licking her paws while sitting at my feet. The scrambling to get comfortable and make a bed followed by a loud sigh letting me know she was done for the day. The sound of her nuzzling her bells to let me know she wanted to go outside. The way she thought she could sit in my lap while I was trying to change a diaper. Her letting me know when the boys were up to no good while I was showering. How she would be on her absolute best behavior to get a treat. Her barking as if to say ‘hello’ anytime someone came home – or when she heard that someone was coming over. I miss just feeling her warm little body breathing next to mine as we would fall asleep at night. Her whines whenever the boys would cry. It’s all so quiet and hollow. She was always by my side. Her absence feels crushing and lonely.
My friend Nicole shared this quote with me, and it has given me some comfort. “The ones that love us, never leave us.”
Oh sweet baby Dee – how I hope this is true because my world has seemed to stop without you in it – and it feels cruel to continue on. My heart aches with you gone. Until we meet again, my sweet Daphnie.
In Loving Memory
Daphnie Smart
January 19th 2009 – May 17th 2018
